PhD Grind: I’m so Extra?? 

Random but important !!

Don’t ever let people make you feel bad for spending time on your notes/making your notes look more etc. Our even something you’re doing in your current endeavors. So many times I’ve had people say ‘that’s a waste of time’ or ‘you’re so extra’ and it just like….. Wtf. 

If spending an extra 2-5 minutes to make your notes look a little organize is going to help you learn them better, or even if it just makes studying tolerable then that’s okay??? Keep doing it!! 

There’s honestly no worse people than the people who will try and make you feel bad about doing something you want to do. 

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Success Takes Sacrifices. 

you can’t live the life you have & the life you want at the same time. You have to choose one. You have to change your habits completely.

Decide who it is you want to be, life is going to demand something entirely different for each decision.

Alot of people want to be successful but aren’t willing to give up the good for the great. They don’t want to live average lives, but maintain average habits. They want to work 40 hours a week, but not 80 to live their dreams.

Chasing your dreams isn’t a part time hustle. It’s more like 2 full time jobs. Living a few years, how others won’t- to spend the rest of your life how others dream.

Don’t let people fool you with their words and intentions. Don’t guide yourself by the habits of those who aren’t where you want to be. The road to success is a lonely one. We all have different obstacles to over come, and you need as little distractions in your life as possible.

Yeah…. You’re an abuser.. 

Terrifying someone into submission, you’re an abuser. 

Watching someone cry and telling at them to stop and invalidating their pain and reasons for crying, you’re an abuser. 

Staring at someone with disgust and contempt after they displease you, you’re an abuser. 

Threating someone to take their basic resource away if they don’t give you want you want, you’re a abuser. 

Forcing someone to feel ashamed for not loving up to your personal ideas, you’re a abuser. 

Using slurs,  hateful names,  and insults on someone without any regard to what it does to their mental health, you’re an abuser. 

Forcing someone to pursue unrealistic expectations and make them feel worthless when they don’t achieve it,  you’re an abuser. 

Acting as if someone is a waste of space and blaming them for your shortcomings, you’re an abuser. 

Makeing someone feel like they don’t deserve love, you’re an abuser. 

If you watch someone in pain and thought they deserved it, you’re an abuser. 

If someone can’t accept or love themselves from how badly you have treated them, you’re an abuser. 

Recap Of My January 2017

To summarize my experience from January 2017 is “that your goals are so close, but every bump in the road cause it to reach out further.” Every time I get close of getting a 2nd place in New Orleans, something always falls through. When trying to get a promotion, I fell short. As a NCO, I believed I have failed my junior soldiers at times. It has been failure and failure and setback after setback. 

It’s been quite frustrating really, at times I really don’t know what to because of everything going bad at once and I’m just trying to micro manage everything trying to fix everything. Then I have to worry about my job duties after that. 

With all of that being said, January have sucked for me. Hopefully, shit don’t roll down hill and February will be a better month for me. We shall see. 

I’m just tired……

I’m so emotionally exhausted and tired of life and its disappointments.
I’ve always been someone who’s tried to keep a positive outlook on life and I’ve been trying really hard to feel happy, keeping myself active, always trying to help others and trying to be a good person. But I always feel like I never get back anything and I’m always left hurt and alone. I’m just tired. I’m tired of not being able to find anyone that understands me, someone that actually listens or cares about me. I’m tired of life always disappointing me in one way or another, it seems like I always attract drama in my life and I never go looking for it.

Spent a lot of time chasing a degree, now that I have a job w/ it  starting to feel like it’s something I’m never really wanted

I’m so tired of life, of everything.

I’m breathing – not living..


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JiNX on Robin Williams

Robin Williams was an extraordinary individual. A person who touch the lives of many with an impact that most of us can ever think of doing. When I heard that Robin Williams died by suicide my heart dropped. With dealing with depression in the pass and had experiences of close friends of mines that commit suicide the story hit home for me. They say those that smile the most hides the most pain. Pretty true. Definitely when you talk about comedians. Got to remember, most of these guys stories come from real life experiences. I’m just sad that a man that put smiles on everyone faces was battling addiction and depression to the point where he rationalize that it was worth taking his own life.

I’ve been there. It’s a scary place. Severe depression will have all your foods tasteless. I remember taking 200-300mg of sleeping aide just to sleep 1hr at night. All the activities you loved to do you don’t love them anymore. You try and go out and have fun, but the cause of the depression doesn’t leave because you choose to go out. You don’t care about your goals. Your heart literally beating out your chest constantly. It’s a mental battle 24/7. Now imagine that, but for a period of three months. Seriously, just for three months with no signs it getting better. Go ahead take the depression medication. Then you start to overthink that you can’t function without being dependable on meds on sleepless night. It’s literally hell on Earth. Thankfully, I have amazing people that constantly showed me love with phone calls, visits and I was able to pull me through that funk and that was enough for me after a couple of months. I can easily sleep a good eight to nine hours without interruption now. I don’t know what demons besides addiction that Mr. Williams was dealing with that wasn’t on the record, but after YEARS of battling that, I kind of get it. I’ve read suicide notes of my friends and it is easy for a person that never had severe depression to feel like they’re a quitter. I admit, I’m not the same person anymore. I changed for the better that experience matured me a lot as an individual. For Mr. Williams I can only wonder what was going through his beautiful mind. He wasn’t perfect, but no man is.

Gone, but not forgotten. Robin Williams leave behind a tremendous legacy. The memories of watching movies like Alladin, Jumanji and Mrs. Doubtfire with my friends and family will always be there. He was a man that supported the troops and even went in harm’s way to entertain them. Gone for long hours visit to patients to brighten up their day. Even as he battled depression and his demons he always put a smile on other people’s faces, even when he couldn’t smile himself. For that he has my upmost respect. RIP Robin Williams. You’re free now genie.

If any of you guys are fighting depression it can be beat. Don’t be ashamed. That’s the biggest thing. Don’t be ashamed. There’s tons of resources out there for you. Don’t be that person that your pride gets in the way and you refuse to come in terms with reality and then it snowballs then making the road to recovery is harder.  You matter and your very important.

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” ― Shannon L. Alder.

JiNX